P    S 

1667 

T7 

1900b 

MAIN 


PRIVATELY  PRINTED 

BOSTON    J900 


BERKELEY 

LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY   OP 
CALIFORNIA 


1  he    1  ribune  in 


rimer 


BY 


EUGENE    FIELD 


PRIVATELY    PRINTED 

BOSTON    1900 


QffT 


FOR  THE  COLLECTOR.    , 


"THE      TRIBUNE      PRIMER," 

EUGENE  FIELD'S  first  book,  was  issued  in 
Denver  in  1882,  when  the  author  was 
editor  of  The  Denver  Tribune.  The  first 
edition  was  a  241110  bound  in  pink  paper 
covers,  and  not  over  fifty  copies  were 
printed,  of  which  probably  less  than  ten 
are  in  existence.  It  is  said  that  a  copy 
was  sold  recently  for  $125. 

"THE  MODEL  PRIMER,"  being 
selections  from  "  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER," 
with  illustrations,  was  issued  by  FRED 
TREDWELL,  Brooklyn,  1882.  This  is  a 
i6mo  with  paper  covers,  and  worth  about 
$18.00. 

153 


THE   TRIBUNE   PRIMER. 


THE  EDITOR'S  HOME. 

Here  is  a  Castle.  It  is  the  Home  of  an  Editor.  It 
has  stained  Glass  windows  and  Mahogany  stairways. 
In  front  of  the  Castle  is  a  Park.  Is  it  not  Sweet  ?  The 
lady  in  the  Park  is  the  editor's  wife.  She  wears  a  Costly 
robe  of  Velvet  trimmed  with  Gold  Lace,  and  there  are 
Pearls  and  Rubies  in  her  Hair.  The  editor  sits  on  the 
front  Stoop  smoking  an  Havana  Cigar.  His  little  Children 
are  playing  with  diamond  Marbles  on  the  Tesselated 
Floor.  The  editor  can  afford  to  Live  in  Style.  He  gets 
Seventy-Five  Dollars  a  month  Wages. 

THE  CHEWING  GUM. 

Here  we  Have  a  Piece  of  Chewing  Gum.  It  is 
White  and  Sweet.  Chew  it  awhile  and  Stick  it  on  the 
Under  Side  of  the  Mantel  Piece.  The  Hired  Girl  will 
find  it  There  and  Chew  it  awhile  Herself  and  then  Put 
it  Back.  In  this  Way  one  Piece  of  Gum  will  Answer 
for  a  Whole  Family.  When  the  Gum  is  no  Good,  Put 
it  in  the  Rocking  Chair  for  the  Minister  or  your  Sister's 
Beau  to  sit  upon. 

THE  BAD  MAN. 

Here  is  a  Man  who  has  just  Stopped  his  Paper. 
What  a  Miserable  looking  Creature  he  is.  He  looks  as  if 
he  had  been  stealing  Sheep.  How  will  he  Know  what 
is  going  on,  now  that  he  has  Stopped  his  Paper  ?  He 
will  Borrow  his  Neighbor's  Paper.  One  of  these  Days 
he  will  Break  his  leg,  or  be  a  Candidate  for  Office,  and 
then  the  Paper  will  Say  Nothing  about  it.  That  will 
be  treating  him  just  Right,  will  it  not,  little  Children  ? 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 


THE  OYSTER. 

Here  we  have  an  oyster.  It  is  going  to  a  Church 
Fair.  When  it  Gets  to  the  Fair,  it  will  Swim  around 
in  a  big  Kettle  of  Warm  Water.  A  Lady  will  Stir  it 
with  a  Spoon,  and  sell  the  Warm  Water  for  Forty  Cents 
a  pint.  Then  the  Oyster  will  move  on  to  the  next 
Fair.  In  this  Way,  the  Oyster  will  visit  all  the  Church 
Fairs  in  Town,  and  Bring  a  great  many  Dollars  into 
the  Church  Treasury.  The  Oyster  goes  a  great  Way 
in  a  Good  Cause. 

THE  POOR  DOG. 

The  Dog  looks  sick.  He  has  been  celebrating  the 
Fourth  of  July.  There  is  a  Bunch  of  Fire  Crackers  tied 
to  his  Tail,  also  a  tin  Dipper.  The  Dipper  does  not 
Seem  to  Bother  him  as  much  as  the  Fire  Crackers.  He 
is  Wishing  it  was  Christmas.  We  fear  he  is  not  a 
Patriotic  Dog. 

THE  NASTY  OIL. 

Do  not  take  the  Castor  Oil.  It  is  very  Nasty  and 
will  Make  you  sick.  Mamma  wants  you  to  Take  it  so 
you  Will  be  Sick  and  can't  go  Out  and  Play  with  the 
other  Boys  and  Girls.  If  Mamma  will  give  you  a 
Velocipede  and  a  Goat  and  a  Top  and  a  Doll,  then  you 
may  Take  the  Castor  Oil  and  it  will  not  Hurt  you. 
THE  HUMOROUS  BOY. 

This  man  is  a  School  Teacher.  He  is  going  to  Sit 
Down  in  the  Chair.  There  is  a  Bent  Pin  in  the  Chair, 
and  it  will  Bite  the  School  Teacher.  The  School 
Teacher  is  a  very  able  Man,  and  he  will  find  it  out  as 
soon  as  the  Bent  Pin  Tackles  Him.  Will  the  School 
Teacher  rise  again  ?  We  should  smile.  But  the 
School  Teacher  will  not  smile.  He  will  Play  a  Sonata 
with  the  Ferrule  on  the  Boy's  Back.  The  Boy  put  the 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 


Bent  Pin  in  the  Chair.  He  is  Trying  to  be  a  Humorist. 
When  the  School  Teacher  gets  Through  with  him,  the 
Boy  will  Eat  his  Meals  from  the  Mantel- Piece  for  a 
Week. 

THE  HACK-DRIVER. 

What  is  the  Man  in  a  Big  Coat  and  Broad  Hat  ?  It  is 
a  Hack-Driver.  What  is  a  Hack-Driver  ?  He  frequently 
is  a  Reformed  Train-Robber.  He  does  not  Rob  Trains 
any  more,  but  he  Robs  poor  Young  men  who  are  too 
Full  to  Walk  Home  at  Night.  Does  the  Hack-Driver 
Drink  ?  Yes,  whenever  he  is  invited.  He  will  also 
smoke  one  of  your  Cigars  if  you  Urge  him.  Will  the 
Hack-Driver  stop  the  Hack  at  the  Corner  and  let  you 
Walk  the  Rest  of  the  Way  to  the  House,  so  you  may 
Tell  your  Wife  you  Walked  all  the  Way  Home  ?  He 
will,  by  a  large  majority. 

THE  FOOLISH  ROACH. 

This  is  a  Cock  Roach.  He  is  Big,  Black  and  Ugly. 
He  is  Crawling  over  the  Pillow.  Do  not  Say  a  Word, 
but  lie  still  and  Keep  your  Mouth  open.  He  will 
Crawl  into  Your  Mouth  and  You  can  Bite  him  in  Two. 
This  will  Teach  him  to  be  more  Discreet  in  Future. 

THE  GUN. 

This  is  a  gun.  Is  the  Gun  loaded  ?  Really,  I  do 
not  know.  Let  us  Find  out.  Put  the  Gun  on  the  table 
and  you,  Susie,  blow  down  one  barrel,  while  you, 
Charlie,  blow  down  the  other.  Bang  !  Yes,  it  was 
loaded.  Run  quick,  Jennie,  and  pick  up  Susie's  head 
and  Charlie's  lower  Jaw  before  the  Nasty  Blood  gets 
over  the  New  carpet. 

THE  UNFORTUNATE  MOUSIE. 

Poor  little  Mouse  !  He  got  into  the  Flour  Barrel  and 
Made  Himself  Dead.  The  Cook  baked  him  in  a  Loaf 


8  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

of  Bread,  and  here  he  lies  on  the  Table  cut  in  two  by 
the  Sharp  bread  Knife.  But  we  will  not  Eat  poor 
Mouse.  We  will  eat  the  Bread,  but  we  will  Take  the 
Mousie  and  Put  him  in  the  Cistern. 

THE  COAL  HOD. 

Oh,  how  nice  and  Black  the  Coal-Hod  is  !  Run, 
children,  Run  quick  and  put  your  Little  Fat  hands  in  it. 
Mercy  me,  your  Hands  are  as  Black  as  the  Coal-Hod 
now  !  Hark  !  Mamma  is  Coming.  She  will  spank 
you  when  she  Finds  your  Hands  so  Dirty.  Better  go 
and  Rub  the  Black  Dirt  oft  on  the  Wall  Paper  before 
she  Comes. 

THE  EDITOR'S  KNIFE. 

Here  we  have  a  Knife.  It  looks  like  a  Saw,  but  it  is 
a  knife.  It  belongs  to  an  Editor,  and  is  used  for 
Sharpening  Pencils,  killing  Roaches,  opening  Champagne 
Bottles,  and  Cutting  the  Hearts  out  of  Bad  men  who 
Come  into  the  office  to  Whale  the  Reporters.  There  is 
Blood  on  the  Blade  of  the  Knife,  but  the  Editor  will 
Calmly  Lick  it  off,  and  then  the  Blade  will  be  as  clean 
and  Bright  as  ever.  The  Knife  cost  seventy  Cents,  and 
was  Imported  from  London,  Connecticut.  If  you  are 
Good,  perhaps  the  Editor  will  Give  it  to  you  to  Cut  off 
the  Cat's  Tail. 

THE  PRETTY  PARROT. 

What  a  nice  Bird  this  is!  It  is  a  Parrot.  See  it 
Stand  on  its  Perch  with  its  Beak,  while  its  Legs  kind  of 
Lay  around  Loose  in  the  Air.  Will  the  Parrot  swear  ? 
Just  pull  his  tail  and  See.  Oh,  what  a  Profane  bird! 
The  Lady  should  not  Teach  her  Parrot  to  Swear,  because 
when  the  Preacher  comes  he  will  feel  Bad  about  it. 
Would  you  like  a  little  Wax  Finger  ?  Then  put  your 
Hand  in  the  Parrot's  Mouth  and  let  him  Fondle  it 
awhile.  The  Doctor  will  see  you  Later. 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 


THE  CONTRIBUTION  PLATE. 

This  is  a  Contribution  Plate.  It  has  just  been 
Handed  around.  What  is  there  upon  it  ?  Now  Count 
very  Slow  or  you  will  Make  a  Mistake.  Four  Buttons, 
one  Nickel,  a  Blue  Chip  and  one  Spectacle  glass.  Yes, 
that  is  Right.  What  will  be  Done  with  all  these  Nice 
things  ?  They  will  be  sent  to  foreign  Countries  for  the 
good  of  the  Poor  Heathens.  How  the  Poor  Heathens 
will  Rejoice. 

MAMMA'S  SCISSORS. 

These  are  Mamma's  Scissors.  They  do  not  Seem 
to  be  in  good  Health.  Well,  they  are  a  little  Aged. 
They  have  considerable  Work  to  Do.  Mamma  uses 
them  to  Chop  Kindling,  cut  Stove  Pipe,  pull  Tacks, 
drive  Nails,  cut  the  children's  Hair,  punch  new  Holes 
in  the  Calendar,  slice  Bar  soap,  pound  beef  Steak,  open 
tomatoe  Cans,  Shear  the  New  Foundland  dog  and  cut 
out  her  New  silk  Dress.  Why  doesn't  Papa  get 
Mamma  a  new  Pair  of  Scissors  ?  You  should  not  Ask 
such  a  Naughty  question.  Papa  cannot  Afford  to  Play 
Billiards  and  Indulge  his  Extravagant  Family  in  the 
Luxuries  of  Life. 

THE  NOSE. 

Is  this  a  Locomotive  Headlight  ?  No.  Then  it 
Must  be  a  Drug  Store  Illumination  ?  No,  it  is  a  Man's 
Nose.  What  a  Funny  Nose  it  is.  It  looks  like  a  Bon 
fire.  Half  a  dozen  such  Noses  would  Make  a  Gaudy 
Fourth  of  July  Celebration.  It  is  too  Bad  that  such  a 
lovely  tinted  Nose  should  have  such  a  Homely  Man  be 
hind  it.  The  Nose  has  Cost  the  Man  a  great  Deal  of 
Borrowed  Money.  If  it  were  not  for  the  Nose  a  Great 
many  Breweries  would  Close  and  a  great  many  Dis 
tilleries  would  Suspend.  If  the  Man  drinks  too  much 


IO  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

Water,  his  nose  will  lose  its  Color.  He  must  be  Care 
ful  about  this.  How  many  such  Noses  would  it  take  to 
make  a  Rainbow  half  a  Mile  long  ?  Ask  the  man  to 
let  you  Light  your  Cigar  by  his  Nose. 

THE  MULE. 

Is  this  not  a  mule  ?  Tickle  his  Heel  and  See.  You 
had  better  send  for  a  Doctor  and  a  Minister.  If  it  had 
been  a  Piano  instead  of  a  Mule  you  would  not  Have  to 
Wear  yourself  in  a  Sling  for  the  next  Six  Months.  Do 
you  not  wish  it  had  been  a  Piano  ! 

THE  BOTTLE. 

This  is  a  Bottle.  What  is  in  the  Bottle  ?  Very  bad 
Whiskey.  It  has  been  Sent  to  the  Local  Editor.  He 
did  not  Buy  it.  If  he  had  Bought  it  the  Whiskey  would 
have  been  Poorer  than  it  is.  Little  Children,  you  Must 
never  Drink  Bad  Whiskey. 

THE  FUGITIVE. 

The  picture  is  of  an  Editor  Sneaking  down  an  Alley. 
The  man  on  the  Sidewalk  is  a  Jeweler.  The  Editor 
Owes  him  Eight  Thousand  dollars  for  Diamonds.  That 
is  Why  the  Editor  sneaks  down  the  Alley  instead  of 
Meeting  the  Jeweler.  Would  you  Like  to  be  an  Editor 
and  Sneak  down  an  Alley  ? 

GENEROUS  RICHARD. 

This  is  good  Little  Richard.  His  Mamma  has 
Taught  him  to  be  Generous.  See,  he  has  the  Measles, 
and  he  is  going  over  to  Give  them  to  his  Neighbors.  Is  he 
not  a  Nice  Boy  ?  When  you  get  the  Measles,  you 
must  give  them  to  all  the  little  Boys  and  Girls  you  can. 
If  you  Do,  maybe  your  Mamma  will  Give  you  Something. 
I  guess  she  will  Give  you  a  Licking. 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 


THE  PROOF-READER. 

See  the  Proof-Reader.  He  has  been  reading  the  Prooi 
of  a  Medical  Convention.  He  is  not  Swearing.  He  is 
reading  the  Bible.  You  cannot  See  the  Bible.  It  is 
Locked  up  in  an  Iron  Box  in  the  Editor's  Room.  The 
Proof-Reader  is  Saying  something  about  Damming  Some 
thing.  Perhaps  it  is  the  Creek. 

THE  HASH. 

Is  this  a  Chignon  ?  No,  it  is  a  Plate  of  Hash.  But 
where  are  the  Brush  and  Comb.  We  cannot  serve  the 
Hash  unless  we  have  a  Brush  and  Comb.  The  Comb 
is  in  the  Butter,  and  the  Baby  has  put  the  Brush  in  the 
Coffee-Pot.  Don't  cry,  Children^  we  will  Give  you 
some  nice  Molasses  with  Pretty,  green  Flies  in  it. 
SLEEPY  KITTY. 

The  Cat  is  Asleep  on  the  Rug.  Step  on  her  Tail  and 
See  if  she  will  Wake  up.  Oh,  no;  She  will  not  wake, 
she  is  a  heavy  Sleeper.  Perhaps  if  you  Were  to  saw  her 
Tail  off  with  the  Carving  knife  you  might  Attract  her 
attention.  Suppose  you  try. 

THE  DEEP  WELL. 

The  Well  is  very  Dark  and  Deep.  There  is  Nice 
Cool  Water  in  the  Well.  If  you  Lean  way  Over  the 
Side,  maybe  you  will  Fall  in  the  Well  and  down  in  the 
Dear  Water.  We  will  Give  you  some  Candy  if  you  will 
Try.  There  is  a  Sweet  Little  Birdie  in  the  Bottom  of 
the  Well.  Your  Mamma  would  be  Surprised  to  find 
you  in  the  Well,  would  she  not  ? 

THE  STATESMAN. 

Here  is  a  Statesman.  He  makes  Speeches  about  the 
poor  Tax-Payer  and  Drinks  Whiskey.  His  Pants  are 
too  Short  for  him.  He  must  Have  Stood  in  a  Puddle  of 
Water  when  he  got  Measured  for  them.  He  picks  his 


12  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

Teeth  with  a  Fork  and  Wipes  his  Nose  on  the  Bottom 
of  Sofas  and  Chairs.  If  you  Neglect  your  Education 
and  Learn  to  Chew  plug  Tobacco,  maybe  you  will  be 
a  Statesman  some  time.  Some  Statesmen  go  to  Congress 
and  some  go  to  Jail.  But  it  is  the  Same  Thing,  after 
all. 

THE  MOTHERLESS  INFANT. 

The  Man  has  a  Baby.      The  Baby  is  Three  weeks 
Old.     Its  Mamma   Died    two    Years   ago.      Poor  little 
Baby  !     Do  you  not  Feel  Sorry  for  it  ? 
PAPA  READING. 

How  nice  Papa  looks  sitting  by  the  Fire  reading  the 
Police  Gazette.  He  is  very  fond  of  Literature.  See 
how  absorbed  he  is.  There  is  a  Torpedo  on  the  Mantel 
Piece.  Take  it  Down  and  Throw  it  at  Papa's  bald 
Head.  That  is  right.  Papa  is  not  as  Absorbed  as  he 
was.  He  seems  to  be  Hunting  for  a  Strap. 
WILLIAM  AND  THE  GIRL. 

The  Girl  has  pretty  Eyes  and  Red  Lips.  She  is 
going  to  Take  a  Walk  in  the  Star  Lit  Glen,  where  the 
Cricket  chirps  in  the  Hedge  and  the  Jiggers  play  in  the 
grass.  William  is  Going  to  Walk  in  the  Glen,  too.  He 
will  Meet  the  Girl  and  they  will  Talk  about  the  Weather. 
We  wouldn't  Give  a  Cent  for  that  Piece  of  Court 
Plaster  on  the  Girl's  chin  by  the  Time  the  Girl  gets 
Back  home. 

THE  MUD. 

The  Mud  is  in  the  Street.     The  Lady  has  on  a  pair 
of  Red  Stockings.      She  is  Trying  to  Cross  the  Street, 
Let  us  all  give  Three  cheers  for  the  Mud. 
THE  GAME  OF  CROQUET. 

Here  we  Have  a  Game  of  Croquet.  Henry  has  just 
Hit  Nellie  with  a  mallet,  and  Nellie  is  calling  Henry 


THE  TRIBUNE   PRIMER.  13 

naughty  Names.  Their  Mother  is  not  much  of  a 
Croquet  player,  but  in  a  minute  she  will  Come  out  and 
Beat  them  Both. 

THE  OCCUPIED  BOY. 

The  Boy  is  Sitting  Down  eating  Jam.  His  Mamma 
is  coming  through  the  Door.  The  Boy  will  stand  up, 
the  Next  bowl  of  Jam  he  Eats. 

THE  DELICATE  GIRL. 

The  Girl  is  Scratching  her  Back  against  the  Door. 
She  has  been  eating  Buckwheat  Cakes.  Her  Beau  thinks 
she  is  Delicate,  but  he  has  Never  seen  her  Tackle  a  Plate 
of  Hot  Cakes  on  a  Frosty  Morning.  Cakes  had  better 
Roost  High  when  she  is  Around.  If  we  Were  the 
Girl  we  Should  wear  Sand-Paper  lining  in  the  Dress,  and 
not  be  Making  a  Hair-Brush  out  of  the  Poor  Door. 
THE  PEACH. 

The  Peach  is  hard  and  Green.  He  is  Waiting  for  a 
Child  to  Come  along  and  eat  him.  When  he  gets  into 
the  Child's  little  Stomach  he  will  Make  things  Hot  for 
that  Child.  The  Child  Who  eats  the  Peach  will  Be  an 
Angel  before  he  Gets  a  Chance  to  Eat  another.  If 
there  were  No  green  Peaches  there  would  not  be  so  many 
Children's  Sizes  of  Gold  Harps  in  Heaven. 
THE  WASP. 

See  the  Wasp.  He  has  pretty  yellow  Stripes  around 
his  Body,  and  a  Darning  Needle  in  his  Tail.  If  you 
Will  Pat  the  Wasp  upon  the  Tail,  we  will  Give  You 
a  Nice  Picture  Book. 

THE  PROUD  MAN. 

This  is  the  Man  who  has  had  a  Notice  in  the  Paper. 
How  Proud  he  is.  He  is  Stepping  Higher  than  a  Blind 
Horse.  If  he  had  Wings  he  would  Fly.  Next  week 
the  Paper  will  say  the  Man  is  a  Measly  Old  Fraud,  and 
the  Man  will  not  Step  so  High. 


14  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

THE  PRINTER. 

Behold  the  Printer.  He  is  Hunting  for  a  Pickup  of 
half  a  Line.  He  has  Been  Hunting  for  Two  Hours. 
He  could  have  Set  the  half  Line  in  Twenty  Seconds,  but 
it  is  a  Matter  of  Principle  with  him  Never  to  set  what  he 
Can  pick  up.  The  Printer  has  a  Hard  time.  He  has  to 
Set  Type  all  Night,  and  Play  Pedro  for  the  Beer  all  day. 
We  would  Like  to  Be  a  Printer  were  it  not  for  the  Night 
Work. 

THE  BAD  MAMMA. 

Why  is  this  little  Girl  crying?  Because  her  Mamma 
will  not  let  her  put  Molasses  and  Feathers  on  the  Baby's 
face.  What  a  bad  Mamma  !  The  little  Girl  who  never 
had  any  Mamma  must  enjoy  herself.  Papas  are  Nicer 
than  Mammas.  No  little  Girl  ever  Marries  a  Mamma, 
and  perhaps  that  is  Why  Mammas  are  so  Bad  to  little 
Girls.  Never  mind  ;  when  Mamma  goes  out  of  the 
Room,  Slap  the  horrid  Baby,  and  if  it  Cries,  you  can  tell 
your  Mamma  it  Has  the  Colic. 

THE  PLUMBER. 

This  sorry  Spectacle  is  a  Plumber.  He  is  Ragged  and 
Cold  and  Hungry.  He  is  Very,  very  Poor.  When 
you  See  him  Next  spring  he  Will  be  Very,  very  Rich, 
and  will  wear  Diamonds  and  Broadcloth.  His  wife  takes 
in  Washing  now,  but  She  will  be  able  to  Move  in  the 
First  Circles  by  the  Time  the  Weather  Turns  Warmer 
and  the  Pansies  Bloom  again. 

THE  NAUGHTY  RAT. 

The  Rat  is  Gnawing  at  the  Baby's  Ear.  The  Baby 
is  in  the  Cradle,  and  is  so  Little  it  cannot  Help  itself. 
Oh,  how  Piteously  it  is  Crying!  The  Rat  does  not  care 
a  Cent,  and  keeps  Eating  away  at  the  Baby's  Ear. 
When  it  gets  this  Ear  eaten  off  it  will  Crawl  over  the 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER.  I  5 

Baby's  neck  and  eat  the  other  Ear.  Where  is  the  Baby's 
Mamma  ?  She  is  Down  in  the  Back  Yard  Talking  over 
the  fence  to  the  neighbors  about  her  New  Dress.  You 
must  Tell  your  Mamma  never  to  Leave  you  Alone  in  the 
Cradle,  or  a  Rat  may  Eat  off  your  Poor  little  Ears. 
THE  BABY. 

Here  we  have  a  baby.  It  is  composed  of  a  Bald 
Head  and  a  Pair  of  Lungs.  One  of  the  Lungs  takes  a 
Rest  while  the  Other  runs  the  Shop.  One  of  them  is 
always  On  Deck  all  of  the  Time.  The  Baby  is  a  Bigger 
man  than  his  Mother.  He  likes  to  Walk  around  with 
his  Father  at  Night.  The  Father  does  Most  of  the 
Walking  and  All  of  the  Swearing.  Little  Girls,  you  will 
Never  Know  what  it  is  to  be  a  Father. 

THE  FIVE-CENT  CIGAR. 

What  Smells  so  ?  Has  somebody  been  burning  a  Rag, 
or  is  there  a  Dead  Mule  in  the  Back  yard  ?  No,  the 
Man  is  Smoking  a  Five-Cent  Cigar.  The  Cigar  has  a 
Breath  on  him  like  the  Chimes  of  Normandy  or  a  salivated 
cheese  Factory.  It  is  strong  enough  to  raise  a  mortgage 
or  Lick  a  postage  stamp.  The  man  will  chew  a  piece  of 
Assafastida  by  and  by  to  take  the  Taste  of  the  Cigar  out 
of  his  Mouth. 

THE  PIECE  OF  TRIPE. 

It  is  a  Piece  of  Tripe.  When  it  has  been  Fried,  the 
Man  will  Eat  it.  Then  he  will  Go  to  Bed  and  Dream 
of  his  Mother-in-Law  and  other  Awful  things.  Tripe  is 
Nice  to  Eat  just  Before  you  want  to  Die.  Little  children 
never  Eat  any  Kind  of  Meat  at  supper  unless  they  Want 
to  Dream  about  getting  Spanked. 

THE   HIRED  GIRL. 

This  is  an  Hired  Girl.  She  has  Something  in  her 
Hand.  It  is  a  Can,  and  there  is  Coal  Oil  inside.  The 


I  6  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

Hired  Girl  is  going  to  Light  a  Fire  in  the  Kitchen  Stove. 
She  has  been  Disappointed  in  Love,  and  Desires  to  Die. 
She  will  Put  some  of  the  Oil  in  the  Stove,  and  Light  it 
with  a  Match.  In  about  half  a  Minute  she  will  be 
Twanging  a  Gold  Harp  among  the  Elect  in  Heaven. 
THE  NASTY  TOBACCO. 

What  is  the  Nasty  looking  Object  ?  It  is  a  Chew  of 
Tobacco.  Oh,  how  Naughty  it  is  to  Use  the  Filthy 
Weed.  It  makes  the  teeth  black,  and  Spoils  the  parlor 
Carpet.  Go  quick  and  Throw  the  horrid  Stuff  away. 
Put  it  in  the  Ice  Cream  Freezer  or  in  the  Coffee  Pot, 
where  Nobody  can  See  it.  Little  girls,  you  Should 
never  chew  Tobacco. 

THE  LAMP  POST. 

See  the  Lamp-Post.  By  its  Dim  Rays  you  can  Behold 
the  Electric  Light  across  the  Street.  There  is  a  Man 
Leaning  against  the  Lamp-Post.  Perhaps  the  Lamp-Post 
would  Fall  if  it  Were  not  For  the  Man.  At  any  rate  the 
Man  would  Fall  if  it  Were  not  For  the  Lamp- Post. 
What  is  the  Matter  with  the  Man  ?  He  appears  dis 
quieted.  He  is  Trying  to  Work  his  Boots  up  Through 
his  Mouth.  He  will  have  an  Headache  to-morrow,  and 
Lay  it  to  the  Altitude. 

THE  LAP. 

The  Mother  has  made  a  Lap.  The  Boy  is  in  the 
Lap.  He  is  Looking  at  the  Carpet.  What  has  the 
Mother  in  her  Hand  ?  She  has  a  Shingle  in  her  Hand  ? 
What  will  she  Do  with  the  Shingle  ?  She  will  Put  it 
Where  it  will  Do  the  Most  Good. 

MENTAL    ARITHMETIC. 

How  many  Birds  are  there  in  Seven  soft-boiled  Eggs  ? 

If  you  have  Five  Cucumbers  and  eat  Three,  what  will 
you  have  left  ?  Two  ?  No,  you  are  Wrong.  You 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER.  I  7 

will  have  more  than  that.  You  will  have  Colic  enough 
to  Double  you  up  in  a  Bow  Knot  for  Six  Hours.  You 
may  go  to  the  Foot  of  the  Class. 

A  Man  had  Six  Sons  and  Four  Daughters.  If  he  had 
had  Six  Daughters  and  Four  Sons,  how  many  more  Sons 
than  Daughters  would  he  have  had  ? 

If  a  Horse  weighing  1,600  pounds  can  Haul  four  tons 
of  Pig  Iron,  how  many  Seasons  will  a  Front  Gate  painted 
Blue  carry  a  young  Woman  on  One  Side  and  a  young 
Man  on  the  other  ? 

THE  FOREMAN. 

Who  is  this  Ferocious  looking  Man  ?  He  is  Foreman 
in  a  Printing  office.  He  gets  Paid  for  Throwing  Men 
Down  Stairs  when  they  Come  in  to  Lick  the  Editor,  and 
for  Putting  wrong  dates  at  the  Head  of  the  Paper.  He 
can  Pi  more  type  in  fifteen  Minutes  than  Seven  Printers 
can  Set  up  in  Two  weeks.  He  loves  to  ask  the  Editor 
for  Copy.  If  it  were  not  for  Him,  the  Paper  would 
Look  pretty  Well  every  morning.  Everything  would  be 
Fat  and  none  of  the  Live  Ads  would  be  Left  out. 

MAGGIE  AND  THE  GAS. 

Mamma  has  gone  out  of  the  Room  and  Left  little 
Maggie  in  Bed  all  alone.  The  Gas  is  Burning,  and 
Maggie  cannot  go  to  Sleep.  What  shall  she  do?  She 
should  Crawl  out  of  Bed,  go  to  the  Bureau  and  Blow  out 
the  Gas.  Then  she  can  go  to  Sleep  like  a  Good  Little 
Girl.  That  is  what  you  would  do,  is  it  not,  Dear  Little 
Children  ? 

THE  FROG. 

The  Frog  is  Sitting  on  the  Log.  He  is  Waiting  for  a 
Fly  to  come  Along.  He  has  Business  with  the  Fly. 
While  he  is  Waiting  let  us  Have  some  Fun  with  him. 
Put  a  Lighted  Fire-cracker  in  his  Mouth.  Where  is  the 


I  8  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER, 

Frog  now  ?     Why,  there   He  is    in  the  Water  with  his 
Ears  blown  out.      Why  does    he  not  Come  back  to  the 
Log  ?     Perhaps  he  has  Forgotten  all  about  the  Fly. 
THE    DRAMATIC    CRITIC. 

The  Dramatic  critic  is  Asleep.  The  play  Does  not 
Interest  him.  He  will  give  it  Thunder  in  the  Paper. 
The  Actors  will  be  Sorry  when  they  Read  the  Paper 
because  it  will  Say  they  are  not  Artists.  After  the  Play, 
the  Critic  will  go  to  the  Variety  Show.  Will  he  Sleep 
there  ?  No,  he  will  Not.  The  lady  in  the  Short  Dress 
and  Pink  Tights  will  Buy  six  Copies  of  the  Paper  in  the 
Morning  because  the  Critic  will  Say  she  is  an  Artist.  It 
is  very  Comfortable  to  be  an  Artist  when  there  are  Critics 
in  the  Neighborhood. 

THE    AWFUL  BUGABOO. 

Oh,  what  a  Bad  Mamma  to  Leave  Little  Esther  all 
Alone  in  the  Dark  Room.  No  wonder  Esther  is  Crying. 
She  is  afraid  a  Big  Bugaboo  will  come  down  the  Chimney 
and  Eat  her  up.  Bugaboos  like  to  Eat  little  Children. 
Did  you  ever  see  a  Bugaboo  with  its  Big  Fire  Eyes  and 
Cold  Teeth  all  over  Blood?  The  next  Time  Mamma 
leaves  you  Alone  in  a  Dark  room,  perhaps  One  will 
Come  to  Eat  you. 

THE  JOKE  AND  THE  MINSTREL. 

Here  we  have  a  Joke  and  a  Man.  The  Joke  is  very 
Old.  It  is  Bald  and  Toothless.  It  must  Be  about  one 
Thousand  years  Old.  The  Man  wears  a  Big  Diamond 
and  a  Shiny  plug  Hat,  He  is  a  Negro  Minstrel.  Go 
and  give  the  Old,  Old  Joke  to  him  and  he  will  Take  care 
of  it  very  Tenderly.  It  is  his  Business.  He  gets  Forty 
dollars  a  week  for  it. 

THE  RED  HOT  STOVE. 

The  Stove  is  Red  Hot.     Run,  Ella,  and  get  the  Cas- 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER.  19 

tor  and  put  some  Red  Pepper  on  the  Stove.      Then  when 
Mamma  comes  in,  She  will  be  Red  Hot  too. 

THE    BLIND    MAN. 

The  old  Man  is  Blind  and  cannot  See.  He  holds  his 
Hat  in  his  Hand  and  there  is  a  Dime  in  the  Hat.  Go 
up  quietly  and  Take  the  Dime  out  of  the  Hat.  The 
Man  cannot  See  you.  Next  Sunday  you  can  put  the 
Dime  in  the  Sabbath  School  box  and  the  Teacher  will 
Praise  you.  Your  Papa  will  put  some  Money  in  the 
Contribution  box,  too.  He  will  put  More  in  than  you 
do.  But  his  Opportunities  for  Robbing  are  better  than 
yours. 

THE  BOIL. 

This  is  a  Boil.  It  is  on  the  Man's  Neck.  Would 
you  like  to  Feel  it  ?  If  you  Do,  the  Man  will  Feel  it, 
too.  The  Boil  is  a  mean  Thing,  and  it  is  a  Coward.  If 
you  strike  it,  it  will  Run.  But  the  Man  will  not  Run. 
He  will  Dance  and  make  Remarks.  Boils  may  start 
Way  down  near  a  little  Boy's  waist-band  but  they 
always  come  to  a  Head  at  last. 

THE  APPLE. 

The  Apple  is  in  a  Basket.  A  Worm  is  in  the  Apple. 
It  is  a  juicy  little  white  Worm.  Suppose  you  Eat  the 
Apple,  where  will  the  Worm  be  ? 

THE  SUGAR  BOWL. 

Who  Put  the  Salt  in  the  Sugar  bowl  ?  Mamma  is 
anxious  to  Find  out.  Willie  is  Busy  looking  out  of  the 
Window.  Can  you  guess  what  he  is  thinking  about  ? 
Perhaps  he  is  Wondering  what  Mamma  will  Give  him 
before  he  Goes  to  Bed  without  his  Supper.  If  we  were 
Willie,  we  would  Feel  safer  with  a  Latin  Grammar  in 
the  Seat  of  our  Pants. 

THE  PICNIC  AND  THE  PIE. 

Here    we    have    a    Picnic.      It    is    not   Jolly  ?     The 


2O  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

children  are  Running  around  and  Playing  Tag.  But 
where  is  the  Custard  Pie  ?  A  moment  ago  it  was  Under 
the  Elm  Tree.  Can  it  be  that  Mr.  Jones  is  Sitting  on 
the  Custard  Pie  ?  Alas,  it  is  too  True !  And  Miss 
Smith  is  laughing  at  him.  He  looks  as  Badly  Broke  up 
as  the  Pie,  does  he  Not  ? 

DAISY  AND  JAMES. 

Daisy  is  crying.  Poor  little  Girl,  we  are  Sorry  for 
her.  James  has  Hit  her  in  the  Eye  with  a  Dornick. 
Fie  on  James  to  Do  so,  and  Fie  on  Daisy  not  to  Hit  him 
back.  Will  Daisy  pray  for  James  to-night  ?  No.  She 
will  Pull  the  Slats  from  his  Bed,  so  he  will  Fall  and 
Break  his  Arm  on  the  Floor.  That  will  be  Right,  will 
it  not,  Children  ? 

THE  DIAMOND  PIN. 

Here  is  a  Diamond  Pin.  The  Editor  won  it  at  a 
Church  Fair.  There  were  Ten  Chances  at  Ten  Cents 
a  Chance.  The  Editor  Mortgaged  his  Paper  and  Took 
one  Chance.  The  Pin  is  Worth  seven  hundred  Dollars. 
Editors  like  Diamonds.  Sometimes  they  Wear  them  in 
their  Shirts,  but  Generally  in  their  Mind. 

THE  INK  BOTTLE. 

Can  you  See  the  Ink  Bottle  on  the  Table  ?  It  is  Full 
of  Nice  Black  Ink.  If  you  Want  to,  you  can  Pour  the 
Ink  out  on  the  Carpet.  It  makes  the  Carpet  look  Black, 
too,  does  it  not  ?  Sit  down  on  the  Carpet  and  Put  both 
of  your  Little  Paddies  in  the  Ink.  See,  your  Fingers 
are  Covered  with  the  Ink  ?  What  a  Nice  picture  you  can 
Make  on  the  Wall  Paper  now.  Make  a  Picture  of  a  Big 
Man  and  a  Little  Girl.  Do  you  want  to  Put  Some  I*nk 
on  the  Lace  Curtain  ?  Very  well,  Put  it  on  Carefully, 
for  you  Should  never  Waste  the  Ink  or  anything  else. 
This  will  be  Quite  a  Surprise  to  Mamma  when  she 
Comes  in. 


THE  TRIBUNE   PRIMER. 


THE  DELIGHTFUL  MUD  HOLE. 

What  a  Delightful  Mud  Hole  !  It  is  quite  Deep 
and  Inviting.  How  Cool  and  Pleasant  it  must  be  in  the 
Mud  Hole.  Good  little  Boys  and  Girls  can  Play  in  the 
Mud  Hole  and  Make  Lots  of  Nice  Patty  Cakes.  Tell 
the  Baby  to  Come,  too,  and  then  you  can  Put  Mud  in 
his  Ears  and  he  will  Splash  the  pretty  Black  Water  all 
over  Susie's  new  Frock. 

THE  CANARY  BIRD. 

The  Canary  Bid  is  Lonesome  in  the  Cage.  He  has 
Drawn  one  of  his  Little  Legs  up  So  High  you  can  See 
it  Sticking  Through  his  Back.  Poor  Birdie  !  Are  you 
not  Sorry  for  Him  ?  Suppose  you  Let  him  out  of  the 
Nasty  Cage.  Kitty  is  in  the  Next  Room.  Call  her  in 
to  see  Birdie.  She  will  be  glad  to  see  Birdie.  Will 
Birdie  be  Glad  to  see  Kitty  ? 

A  LITTLE  NOVEL. 

Once  there  was  a  Little  Girl  who  Lived  all  By  Her 
self  on  a  Lone  Island.  She  was  Oftentimes  very  Lone 
some  and  as  she  Grew  up  she  Longed  for  a  Sweet  Heart, 
but  as  there  was  nobody  Else  on  the  Island,  of  Course 
she  could  not  Have  a  Beau.  She  had  Four  little  Girl 
Babies  and  Three  little  Boy  babies  and  She  Gave  them 
all  the  Candy  they  wanted.  One  day  as  she  was  giving 
them  Some  Candy,  a  Brave  Young  Prince  landed  on  the 
Island  and  Seeing  Her  fell  in  Love  with  Her.  She  had 
never  Seen  a  Man  before  and  she  did  not  Know  what  to 
say  when  he  Asked  her  to  Marry  him.  "What  will 
Become  of  My  little  Daughter  Bella  !  "  she  asked. 
"She  can  Marry  my  Father,  the  King,"  said  the  Prince. 
So  they  All  went  to  Church  and  were  Married  and 
Lived  on  the  Lone  Island  happily  to  the  End  of  their 
Lives. 


22  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

THE  BUSINESS  MANAGER. 

Here  we  Have  a  Business  Manager.  He  is  Blowing 
about  the  Circulation  of  the  Paper.  He  is  Saying  the 
Paper  has  Entered  upon  an  Era  of  Unprecedented  Pros 
perity.  In  a  Minute  he  will  Go  up  Stairs  and  Chide 
the  Editor  for  leaving  his  Gas  Burning  while  he  Went 
out  for  a  Drink  of  Water,  and  he  will  dock  a  Reporter 
Four  Dollars  because  a  Subscriber  has  Licked  him  and  he 
cannot  Work.  Little  Children,  if  we  Believed  Business 
Managers  went  to  Heaven,  we  would  Give  up  our  Pew 
in  Church. 

THE  CITY  EDITOR. 

Here  we  Have  a  City  Editor.  He  is  Talking  with 
the  Foreman.  He  is  saying  he  will  have  a  Full  Paper  in 
the  Morning.  The  Foreman  is  Smiling  Sadly.  Maybe 
he  is  Thinking  the  Paper  will  have  a  Full  City  Editor 
before  Morning. 

JOHNNY  AND  THE  PEARS. 

Mamma  had  two  Pears.  She  Gave  One  to  Johnny 
and  Put  the  Other  on  the  Pantry  Shelf.  Johnny  ate  his 
Pear  and  Cried  for  the  Other.  No,  said  the  Cruel 
Mamma,  you  cannot  have  it,  for  I  am  going  to  Eat  it  all 
by  Myself  and  not  Give  anybody  a  Bite.  But  Johnny 
was  too  Smart  for  Mamma.  When  she  Went  into  the 
Parlor,  he  Stole  into  the  Pantry  and  tried  to  knock  the 
Pear  down  with  the  Broom.  He  had  hard  work,  but 
after  Breaking  some  Crockery  and  several  Goblets,  his 
Perseverance  was  Rewarded  and  down  came  the  Pear. 
He  ate  it  all  up  Quick  and  it  Tasted  awful  good.  Johnny 
told  Mamma  the  Cat  had  eaten  the  Pear  and  Broken  the 
Dishes,  but  what  Mamma  gave  Johnny  was  not  a  new 
Velocipede.  Little  boys,  let  us  Try  to  do  Like  good 
little  Johnny  and  our  Mammas  will  feel  for  us. 


THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER.  23 

THE  BOW-LEGGED  MAN. 

The  Man  is  Bow-Legged.      But  he  cannot  Help  it  and 
you    Must    not    Laugh    at  him.      He   got  Bow-Legged 
ploughing  on  a  side  Hill   when  he  was   a  Boy.      The 
Tailor  has  to  Cut  out  his  Pants  with  a  Circular  Saw. 
THE  LOBSTER. 

This  is  not  a  Big  Spider.  It  is  a  Lobster.  He  is 
Green  now,  but  when  he  Gets  into  Hot  Water  he  will 
Look  Red  and  Feel  Blue.  The  Lobster  carries  his  Teeth 
on  his  Arm.  Pat  him  on  the  Teeth.  Maybe  the  Teeth 
will  Kind  of  Take  to  You. 

THE  FOURTH  CORPORAL. 

This  is  a  Fourth  Corporal.  He  Walks  stiff  Legged 
behind  a  Company  of  Soldiers  and  Carries  a  Musket  at 
Half- Mast.  He  is  fond  of  Human  Blood  and  Delights 
in  Carnage.  Has  the  Fourth  Corporal  ever  been  in  a 
War  ?  No.  Then  what  does  he  Know  about  War  ? 
He  has  a  Cousin  who  Married  a  Man  by  the  Name  of 
Gunn. 

THE  SWEET  HOME. 

Mamma  is  Larruping  Papa  with  the  Mop  Handle. 
The  children  are  Fighting  over  a  Piece  of  Pie  in  the 
Kitchen.  Over  the  Piano  there  is  a  Beautiful  Motto 
in  a  gilt  Frame.  The  Beautiful  Motto  says  there  is  no 
Place  like  Home. 

THE  FLY. 

The  Fly  is  walking  on  the  Window.  Now  he  has 
Stopped  to  think,  and  he  is  Running  his  Legs  through  his 
Hair.  Can  we  not  Do  something  to  Entertain  the  fly  ? 
Suppose  we  Catch  him  and  Squeeze  some  of  his  Insides 
out  on  a  Piece  of  Paper  and  Let  him  go.  The  paper 
will  Follow  the  Fly  all  over  the  House,  and  will  Serve 
as  a  frightful  Example  to  the  other  Flies. 


24  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

THE  MOUSE  TRAP. 

Can  you  See  the  Mouse  Trap  ?  I  wonder  if  it  is 
Set  ?  Put  your  Finger  in  one  of  the  Holes  and  See. 
There  is  a  little  Mouse  caught  in  one  of  the  Holes  on  the 
other  Side.  Pull  him  out  by  the  Tail.  He  appears  to 
be  Dead.  Perhaps  the  Trap  was  not  Well  enough 
Ventilated  for  him.  Take  poor  little  dead  Mouse  and 
put  him  in  Sister  Dora's  bed  where  she  Can  see  him 
when  she  Pulls  back  the  sheet  to-night. 

JAMES  AND  THE  FAIRY. 

Mamma  told  little  James  not  to  go  out  of  the  Yard. 
But  little  James  disobeyed  mamma  and  Ran  away.  As 
he  was  going  down  the  Street  a  Fairy  met  him  and  Said 
did  you  Run  away  from  Home  ?  Well,  I  should  Smile, 
replied  li.tle  James.  And  then  the  Fairy  gave  him  a  new 
Top  and  Lots  of  Beautiful  Glass  Marbles.  Little  James 
never  Forgot  the  good  Fairy,  and  he  used  to  Run  away 
from  Home  every  Day  so  the  Fairy  would  give  him  Nice 
Presents.  Children,  who  knows  but  what  the  Fairy 
will  give  you  a  Nice  Present  if  you  Run  Away  ? 

THE  ALBUM. 

Here  we  Have  an  Album.  It  is  full  of  Pictures  for 
little  Children  with  Dirty  Fingers  to  Look  at.  Here  are 
two  Pictures  of  Papa.  This  is  one  of  Him  before  he 
was  Married  to  Mamma.  He  looks  like  a  Two-year 
old  Colt  behind  a  Band  of  Music.  Here  is  a  picture 
of  Papa  after  he  Married  Mamma.  Now  he  Looks 
like  a  Government  Mule  hauling  a  Load  of  Pig  Iron. 
See  if  you  Can  put  your  ringer  on  the  Nose  and  the 
Eyes  and  the  Mouth  of  Each  Picture.  Turn  down  a 
Leaf  when  you  Come  to  a  Pretty  Picture  you  Like. 
The  baby  is  Eating  Bread  and  Molasses.  Let  him  Take 
the  Album  and  Look  at  the  Pictures,  too. 


THE  TRIBUNE   PRIMER.  25 

THE  HEROIC. 

This  is  a  Herdic.  What  is  the  Sign  on  the  Herdic  ? 
The  Sign  tells  us  the  Herdic  is  full.  Oh,  who  would 
not  gladly  be  a  Herdic  ? 

OUR  ESTEEMED  CONTEMPORARY 

This  Awkward  sheet  is  our  Esteemed  Contemporary. 
It  is  Run  by  an  Unhung  Felon.  We  would  not  Give 
him  a  Glass  of  Water  to  Save  his  Life,  but  we  would 
Take  a  Beer  with  him  if  we  were  Properly  Approached. 
Our  esteemed  Contemporary  has  no  Circulation  and  its 
influence  is  Correspondingly  Small.  It  cuts  Advertising 
Rates  and  is  So  Mean  it  would  Skin  a  Skunk  to  Save  a 
Scent.  If  we  had  Our  Way,  we  would  Suspend  our 
Esteemed  Contemporary  and  Put  its  Editors  and  Re 
porters  in  Jail  where  they  belong. 

THE  BILLY  GOAT. 

This  strange  looking  creature  is  a  Billy  Goat.  He  has 
a  Beard  on  him  that  Looks  like  Papa's,  and  he  is  a 
Stronger  Butter  than  Mamma  uses  for  Cooking.  What 
is  the  Billy  Goat  doing?  He  is  Eating  an  Oyster  Can. 
If  you  Were  to  go  up  and  Pull  the  Billy  Goat's  beard 
you  Would  feel  Something  Drop.  And  it  would  not 
be  the  Billy  Goat,  Either. 

THE  POET. 

Who  is  this  Creature  with  Long  Hair  and  a  Wild 
Eye  ?  He  is  a  Poet.  He  writes  Poems  on  Spring  and 
Women's  Eyes  and  Strange,  unreal  Things  of  that  Kind. 
He  is  always  Wishing  he  was  Dead,  but  he  wouldn't 
Let  anybody  Kill  him  if  he  could  Get  away.  A  mighty 
good  Sausage  Stuffer  was  Spoiled  when  the  Man  became 
a  Poet.  He  would  Look  well  Standing  under  a  De 
scending  Piledriver. 

PAPA'S  RAZOR. 

What  is  This  we  See  ?     It  is  a  Razor  and  Papa  uses 


26  THE  TRIBUNE   PRIMER. 

it  Every  morning  to  make  his  Neck  sore.  It  looks 
Pretty  Sharp.  Draw  it  across  your  Fingers  and  Make  it 
Dull.  You  could  Cut  your  Name  on  the  Mantel  Piece 
with  the  Razor  if  you  Were  to  Try.  A  Razor  is  a 
Handy  Thing  to  have  in  a  House  where  there  are  Corns 
and  Piano  Legs  to  Carve.  It  is  also  Just  the  Thing  to 
Cut  off  the  Kitten's  Tail  with. 

THE  KINDLY  OLD  MAN. 

The  Girl  is  at  the  Gate.  A  young  Man  is  coming 
down  the  Lane.  The  Girl's  papa  is  Sitting  on  the 
Front  Porch.  He  is  very  Old.  He  has  raised  a  Family 
of  Eleven  children.  What  is  the  Poor  old  Man  Think 
ing  about,  and  why  Does  he  Gaze  so  Intently  at  his 
right  Boot  ?  Maybe  he  is  Thinking  about  Raising  the 
Young  Man  who  is  Coming  down  the  Lane. 
THE  HORSE-RADISH. 

Willie  has  Found  some  Horse-Radish.  It  is  in  a  Jar 
labeled  Jam.  He  has  just  Taken  a  Big  Mouthful  of  the 
Horse-Radish.  There  are  Tears  in  his  Eyes.  Perhaps 
he  is  Crying  because  he  loves  in  Vain. 

THE  EDITOR'S  VALISE. 

Here  we  Have  a  Valise.  It  does  not  Weigh  Four 
hundred  Pounds.  It  is  the  Valise  of  an  Editor.  In  the 
Valise  are  Three  Socks  and  a  Bottle  and  a  Book.  There 
is  Something  in  the  Bottle.  Maybe  it  is  Arnica  for  the 
Editor's  Sore  Finger.  The  Book  is  Baxter's  Saints  Rest. 
The  Socks  got  into  the  Valise  by  Mistake.  Perhaps  the 
Bottle  will  get  into  the  Editor  by  Mistake. 
THE  CATERPILLAR. 

The  Caterpillar  is  Crawling  along  the  Fence.  He 
has  Pretty  Fur  all  over  his  Back,  and  he  Walks  by 
Wrinkling  up  his  Skin.  He  is  Full  of  Nice  yellow 
Custard.  Perhaps  you  had  better  take  him  into  the 
house,  where  it  is  warm,  and  Mash  him  on  the  Wall 


THE  TRIBUNE   PRIMER.  2J 

Paper  with  Sister  Lulu's  Album.  Then  the  Wall  Paper 
will  Look  as  if  a  Red  Headed  Girl  had  been  leaning 
Against  it. 

PAPA'S  SORE  TOE. 

Poor  Papa  has  got  a  Sore  Toe.  The  Toe  is  Wrapped 
up  in  a  Wet  Rag.  What  would  the  Toe  Say  if  you 
were  to  Drop  a  Flat  Iron  on  it  ?  It  would  not  say  Any 
thing.  Toes  cannot  Talk.  But  Papa  would  be  Apt  to 
be  Heard  From. 

THE  BEAUTIFUL  PIANO. 

What  a  Beautiful  Piano  !  You  Can  see  your  Face 
on  the  Cover.  If  you  Had  a  Pin  you  could  Scratch 
Nice  Pictures  all  Over  the  Piano  ?  Will  you  Play  on 
the  Piano  ?  Your  Fingers  are  not  Long  Enough,  are 
they  ?  But  you  can  Pound  on  the  Pretty  Keys  with 
your  little  Fists.  Maybe,  if  you  Pound  Hard  enough 
Mamma  will  Come  to  See  who  is  Making  such  Lovely 
Music. 

THE  MUCILAGE. 

The  Bottle  is   Full  of  Mucilage.      Take  it  and   Pour 
some  Mucilage  into  Papa's  Slippers.      Then  when  Papa 
Comes  home,  it  will  Be  a  Question  whether  there    will 
be  More  Stick  in  the  Slippers  than  on  your  Pants. 
THE  BABY'S  NOSE. 

The  Baby's  Nose  is  a  Queer  sort  of  Thing.  The 
baby  cannot  Walk  but  its  Nose  Can  Run.  Take  the 
bottle  of  Ammonia  and  hold  it  Under  the  Baby's  Nose 
and  See  what  a  Funny  Face  the  Baby  will  make.  There 
is  Nothing  like  a  Baby's  getting  used  to  Ammonia  young. 
It  may  be  a  Trifle  hard  to  the  Ammonia. 
BENNIE  AND  THE  TACK. 

Bennie  has  Heard  his  Papa  say  the  Tack  is  a  Useful 
Object,  and  he  has  put  a  Tack  in  Papa's  chair.  The 


28  THE  TRIBUNE  PRIMER. 

business  End  of  the  Tack  is  Pointed  upwards.     Bennie 
is  evidently  Anxious  to  get  at  the  Bottom  Facts. 
THE  CONCENTRATED  LYE. 

What  a  Pretty  Can  it  is.  What  do  you  Suppose  is  in 
the  Can  ?  Open  it  and  see.  Goodness  me,  it  is  Con 
centrated  Lye  !  How  Nice  !  Are  you  not  Glad  ?  Let 
us  eat  it.  Taste  it  and  See  how  Warm  it  is.  If  you 
will  Eat  it  you  will  not  Want  anything  More  to  Eat 
For  a  Long  Time. 

THE  LAMP. 

This  is  a  Lamp.  It  is  full  of  Nice  Yellow  Oil.  Can 
you  Light  the  Lamp  ?  If  there  is  Too  much  Oil,  pour 
Some  of  it  in  the  Stove.  Mamma  will  not  Miss  the  Oil 
if  you  Pour  it  in  the  Stove,  but  she  May  miss  You.  A 
little  Oil  on  the  Carpet  is  not  a  Bad  thing  for  the  Oil, 
but  it  is  a  bad  Thing  for  the  Carpet  and  You. 
THE  CLOTHES  PIN. 

Here  we  have  a  clothes  pin.  It  is  made  of  White 
Pine,  and  has  a  grip  on  it  Like  a  poor  Cousin.  It  would 
be  Nice  to  put  the  Clothes  pin  on  the  Baby's  Nose. 
The  Baby  could  not  Help  itself,  and  the  Clothes-pin 
would  get  in  its  Work  on  the  Nose  for  all  it  was  Worth. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORRO 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


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T  r>  o-i  A    sn«,  4  'f;a                                         General  Library 
/?  tSArf  Rwt«i                                   University  of  California 
(A1724slO)476B                                                 Berkeley 

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